I came into ESH a little over 7 weeks ago, confused, broken and searching for an end to the torment I was living with on a daily basis.
I had hoped that I would be able to leave here with the chance of a future that didn’t include the crutch of drugs in my life to bury the pain I have been living with for over 30 years but I’m leaving with much more than that, a genuine and heartfelt sense of hope for a future I thought had been lost to me.
I’ve been shown a new path that can allow me to be the best I can be, someone who approaches life on life’s terms and with a sense of positivity that benefits not only me but those who I have hurt in the past through my selfish urges. I have the chance to become a true role model to my children, being there for them and supporting them as they go through life, showing them the benefits of living in a way with an ethos of ‘do no harm’ at its core and encouraging them through their own difficulties.
I am finally able to find a way to silence my inner critic, for too long I’ve been subject to that voice that derides and belittles me. I know now where it comes from and the twisted nature of its words, seeking to keep me down and force me to live in a world where I have no sense of self-worth, a world where fear and doubt prevents even the tiniest shred of personal growth.
I recognise the potential for good in me, building on the core values that I will cling to and be guided by now I have rediscovered them. It is these which will shape my future now, not the selfish addict whose only desire was self-serving with no regard for me, blinding me to the help and support that those closest to me have been.
I will no longer be subject to its demands that I manipulate and lie to loved ones, simply to feed its craving for a meaningless short-lived relief from the inner turmoil which always resulted in yet more layers of guilt and shame to add to the well of sorrow.
Despite my best efforts, I finally seem to have found a spiritual path to embed at the core of my way forward. One that rings true to my inner beliefs and directs a spiritual growth that caters both for my own needs as well as those I hold dear, valuing others as equals with needs that I can help them attain by sharing my experiences and other means, all the while relinquishing my controlling nature.
Unexpectedly, I have been endowed with a group of new friends here at ESH which I will hold dear to me for the rest of my days. You’ve shown me true patience and understanding as you’ve guided me in coming to terms with my situation and, more importantly, the factors that led me to it, always kept me focussed on the positive, ensuring I’m leaving here with a foundation to build on that I never thought possible.
Words cannot express the value which I hold your friendship in, some things are simply priceless.
Gavin
